Miss Mojo sees it all. Your Gay Witch
Precept – The Chicken Ritual
Letter:
“Dear Gay Witch, I want my ex back. What do the spirits say I should do?”
Response:
Child, the spirits have spoken. You must bring me a fat, speckled chicken, on the night of a full moon. What? Oh calm down — no one’s sacrificing anything! If you can’t find a chicken, swing by KFC and bring me a bucket of 16 pieces. I’m expecting guests, and the ancestors love a crispy thigh.
Now listen: love doesn’t return through blood, it returns through seasoning. Spice yourself up — less desperation, more crunch.And remember: if you’re going to get on your knees, at least make it worth the candlelight. 🔥
Precept – The Breath of Destiny
Letter:
“I think I’m finally going on a date with someone amazing. Any rituals I should do?”
Response:
Yes. The spirits are very clear on this one. They’re asking me right now — “Has he brushed his teeth?” Don’t go invoking Venus if your breath still smells like the ghosts of last night’s tacos.
Burn sage, not your chances. And honey, floss — the universe doesn’t open its portals for bad oral hygiene. Romance is vibration: the cleaner the mouth, the clearer the message. 
Precept – The Ghosting Hour
Letter:
“I met someone amazing on an app, but he only texts me after midnight. Could he be the one?”
Response:
Oh, my sweet summer child. The spirits showed me a clock — striking twelve. If someone only appears after midnight, they’re not your soulmate; they’re your ghost. 👻
Block him, light a candle for your dignity, and go to bed early. The universe can’t deliver blessings to people who answer booty calls from the underworld..
Precept – The Laundry of Love
Letter:
“Why can’t I find someone who truly understands me?”
Response:
Because, sweetheart, you haven’t understood your own laundry pile. The spirits show me mountains of unfolded self-esteem. No crystal will help you if you keep mixing your worth with dirty socks.
Fold your fears, wash your expectations, and hang your boundaries to dry in the sunlight. Love will knock when your emotional underwear drawer stops screaming for help.
Precept – The Candle of Confidence
Letter:
“I’ve been feeling invisible lately—in love, in life, even at parties, and even at Eagle nobody notices me. How can I make my energy shine again?”
Response:
The ancestors say: “Stop waiting to be seen. Be the candle.” Light yourself up — literally. Glitter, lip gloss, maybe a sequined shirt that could signal planes from the sky.
Then dance. Alone, in your room, with the lights off and your phone off. That’s when magic happens — when joy stops being a performance and starts being your nature.
Remember: self-love is not a ritual, it’s a daily practice. And baby, when you glow, even the shadows start asking for selfies. ✨
