Another month begins, another Britney fan spins. And if you still haven’t spun in any room of your house, you’re living it wrong because it’s one of the best things you can do to set yourself free. But I’m not here just to stan and support our pop princess… I’m here because the zodiac talked to me. And it said we have to aim it better, so we can reach our goals more effectively. It’s so sad when we have the target in our sights and we miss, isn’t it? Well… just saying. To prevent this from happening, we need to be prepared. And I’m here with my predictions to prepare you to the next 31 days. Let’s go, babies!
Main Card: The Woman in a Lace Nightgown When the card featuring the woman in a nightgown appears, it’s time to head to bed. Take advantage of the month to hibernate like a bear (usually they’re at pool parties, but that’s beside the point) or simply stay up late with your head on the pillow, scrolling through your phone—just be careful not to drop it on your face. The important thing is to recharge your energy before doing anything else—including talking to the next person on Tinder (you’re going to need it).
ARIES
A good time for love. But no hyper-focusing on people and sucking their energy dry—leave that to your resident spirits. If you’re going to suck anything, make it a good dick. Live with calm and balance, as if you were P!nk suspended from steel cables, soaring over the audience. A little folk remedy against the evil eye might restore your high spirits (or you could simply STOP comparing yourself to people who use the “Coffee Aesthetic” filter on Instagram).
Taurus
Moments of revelation are on the horizon. Maybe you'll discover who the smoking neighbor downstairs is or, in the best-case scenario, receive an unlocked album on Scruff. Plenty of harmony among friends and family, especially when you're not together. This month, life will also begin to give back what it took from you a few months ago. Just don't forget that the universe doesn't have a return policy. 
Gemini
Your creative energy will be high, but you might despair creating scenarios that only exist in your head. If you're tired of being a knockout, try finding someone to surpass you. Problems at work indicate it's time to cry in the company bathroom. Speaking of which, a close friend might point you towards a job or a pyramid scheme. Accept either way, as you can't choose. 
Cancer
Single? Then it's safe because the next few days are conducive to bumping into each other at parties and other public places, which could end in exchanging phone numbers (or insults, depending on the temperament of those involved). In the health field, try to take better care of yourself instead of worrying about guys you met a week ago and only feel comfortable when you bring up the subject. 
Lion
More news for the relaxed ladies of this sign, as the month calls for a cleansing of emotional and relationship aspects. It's time to soft block on Instagram, mute accounts on Twitter, and delete contacts from your address book. If you're going to unfollow, don't do it because: remove a person from your profile too. Another tip: stop trying to please everyone—you won't succeed. Not even Madonna could achieve that when she released Ray of Light. 
Virgo
If you knew how to be alone for a while, you wouldn't be in such bad company as you have been in recent months. The universe is working to remove annoying people from your life, and you're hindering it by bringing in new relationships—making it difficult to help you. The cards say you're neglecting your health. You're not taking care of that, are you? Professional renewal is on the way. If you get a better job, let me know, I'm looking too.
Libra
Time to reap the rewards of the relationships you've cultivated, which means a kiss with that friend you're attracted to might happen. However, knowing that you don't have very sharp emotional intelligence, I'm warning you that things might go off the rails this month. A piece of advice? Suffer in anticipation. And if something really happens, don't say anything on social media—only people you haven't seen in over 2 years will contact you.
Scorpio
Attention, singles: a turning point in your emotional life! If before you were hoping to be chosen, now you're the one who will choose. And since the oppressed dream of becoming the oppressor, there's a good chance you'll make the wrong choices out of pure and simple revenge. After all, you're a very vengeful sign, right? Wow… Be careful with excesses. A song full of high notes might be cool, but an entire album in that rhythm is torture. Reflect. 
Sagittarius
Discovering that there's life after love? Yay! Welcome to our club and feel free to sit wherever you like (in every sense). This month, things that were stuck will start to unblock — a relief for those with irritable bowel syndrome. However, don't just stand around waiting. The universe hasn't been very friendly lately. If you procrastinate, it will throw a bag of poop in your face (don't even think about it, scat players). 
Capricorn
The cards show that you will have a month of peace and harmony. With that, the chances of you getting involved in Twitter discussions comparing Woman's World to Stupid Love or rubbing Brat's success in other people's faces are almost nil. A favorable month for you to engage in intellectual activities, such as good old-fashioned reading—even if it's just reading softcore porn on Kindle Unlimited. Take advantage and read the other columns on this site! #ad 
Aquarius
This month arrives with threats of romantic encounters. Be careful if you get involved with psychologists and psychology students, a category that masters the art of being annoying and lacking consistency in what they say. A good month to break down barriers and be inconvenient with unpleasant people. You tend to put up with a lot and still be friendly, which is why you suffer. Some doors and backsides have closed, but others will open soon. Have faith. 
Pisces
Like a Digimon, it's time for your romantic relationship to evolve. And this month brings a very favorable energy for these seven months of encounters with a steady person to finally become a relationship. At work, unfortunately, things are a little more dragged out than Grey's Anatomy. You can take a bath with coffee grounds to open the way. And don't even dare complain because I know you've been through worse in this body. Well… that’s all for now.
Love yourself, be careful with your energy and take a breath of fresh air.
See you soon <3
