Holy Horoscope – The best predictions that show the cards and the stars by Hellogres

I’m here to bring moments of peace, love and light with my horoscope. “Horoscope? I don’t believe in horoscopes.” Yes I know. You prefer to believe that vaccines cause tremors and turn us into animals. Anyway. Enough nonsense and let’s get to the predictions for the next 45 days, my loves.

The main card of this period is the letter of the woman lying on a giant silver vinyl record. This means that the doors are open for us to experience iconic moments and make history in our own lives.

ARIES


Good period to make money. In other words, if you have been thinking about opening a profile on OnlyFans, the time is now! In love, it’s time to recycle. Throw away your cyberskin dildos and invest in new sex toys. Despite some people say Aries is an aggressive sign, the period is full of charisma. Miracles happen. Just kidding.

taurus


After listening to Kylie Minogue, your astral configuration took professional obstacles out of your way. Be careful: if you disappear, you were the obstacle. If you manage to stay awake, you will witness a pleasant surprise in love, a close friendship can awaken your interest. Don’t waste time: there may be a gay 200 m away from you on Grindr!

GEMIMI

You have a great chance of receiving a promotion at work. Lucky for us, because we’re finally going to stop reading your LinkedIn posts claiming for attention. If you’re married, good for you. If you are single, go in search of a new love, but don’t revolve your life around it. Be careful with this little mind overthinking shit all day long, ok?

CANCER

You were born to work with something that satisfies you, but not necessarily sex. If you are in doubt about your career, know that you are a good salesperson. Take advantage of your talent and come to participate in the countless telephone scams in Brazil. You will shine! In love, no going after someone to love right now. Love yourself a little, for God’s sake!!

lio


Period of joy, enthusiasm and high energy. Which means that anyone who is going through a sad, unsatisfying time (including me) will be jealous of you. Therefore, protect yourself and avoid showing happiness in your IG stories. At work, it’s time to take risks. Want a tip? Dare to leave on time and let everyone gagging. In love, your partner needs attention. Remember: you are not the center of the universe. If you’re single, stay that way.

virgo


You followed the advice of RuPaul and Britney Spears and now, after working like a bitch, you will finally get the recognition you deserve. And since you will be #1 on the Hot 100 at your job, avoid stepping on any rugs because your “friends” will definitely pull yours out. If you’re single, define what you expect from your love life so you don’t end up acting like a poor thing on social media. Being a little less passive-aggressive on Tinder can help.

libra


You’ve already worked a lot, I know, but the tarot says you need to work even more. Before you tell me to fuck off, know that it’s nothing you have to worry about. Make a good performance on SNL and it will be good enough. In love, the period promises many meetings and adventures so that you can later print the conversations and hit on Twitter (I refuse to call it X).

scorpio


The tarot tells me that you will venture into a work that involves creativity, children and leisure. Something like Taylor Swift in the Lover era. You may prefer to avoid some human contact during this time, which makes any type of romantic relationship (except sexting) difficult. If you’re already with someone, you’ll turn yourself into Camila Cabello’s Romance album. But in your case, it will be something good.

SAGITTARIUS

You know that demand at work that you were too lazy to do because it was too boring? Good news: it may have to be reviewed or even suspended. Don’t be proactive, because it will backfire on you. In love, it’s time to create fanfics in your head because your next affair could be closer than you think. If it’s a stalker, call the police. To those who are married, complicity in everything, including praying for Katy Perry’s new album.

CAPRICORN

Looks like someone listened to Independent Women Part I here... After all, that’s how you’ll be feeling at work. However, it’s time to step on the brakes a little and pay attention to issues in your personal life. If you are looking for a job, be careful not to accept anything, especially a contract with RCA. If you don’t take antidepressants, your libido will be high. Take advantage because there are people in the neighborhood wanting to eat you for lunch.

AQUARIUS

Everything’s fine at work, but be a little more flexible, okay? Get inspired by the opening of the Re-Invention Tour and you will achieve it. Oh! Be careful not to spend your payment (which isn’t much) on unnecessary purchases. Get out of that Shein app, girl! In love, you will be magnetic and perhaps shock yourself on the gym treadmill. If you’re in a relationship, good luck… Be careful with blowjobs under the shower.

PISCES

Reflection period. It’s time to look back and learn from past mistakes (which you will make again). At work, accept new ventures that arise — especially because your bills won’t pay themselves alone. In love, the stars reveal that you will be docile as if you had taken clonazepam. On the other hand, your mood instability could make you a topic in someone’s therapy. Apparently, it’s better to focus on masturbation.

Well... that’s all for now. Drink water, use condoms and have a great slay. See you in the next edition!


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